Family Affairs
by Corgenn
Summary: Chopper talks about his ragtag family of misfits.


**Title: Family Affairs****  
><strong>**Warnings: Spoilers up to chapter 550.  
><strong>**Summary: Chopper talks a bit about his oddball family.  
><strong>**Author's Note: I am aware that the AU theme of the Strawhats being a family is anything but new, however, I thought I'd have a try at it myself. Please note that I will often simply take some oddities for granted, such as a reindeer being human offspring. It'd sadden me to see Chopper as a pet.**

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><p>In my family we are eleven in total. However, only nine of us live together. Grandpa Garp and uncle Dragon don't live with us. I've never met uncle Dragon before. I hardly believe that anyone except grandpa and mom have ever met him. He's something like a family ghost. You know him by name, but you've never gotten to know him personally. Mommy says he went over to the revolutionaries a long time ago. But you're not supposed to shout that from the rooftops. It still slips grandpa now and then, but he doesn't seem to mind too much; strangely, since he works for the government, for the Marines to be exact.<p>

That's also why he doesn't live with us. He's a Vice Admiral and spends most of the time at sea. He's a big shot, says daddy. And big he is indeed. He's just as tall as daddy, maybe even a bit taller and very muscularly built for his age. His hair has turned all grey. I can't remember because I was too small, but mommy says his hair used to be black like hers when he was younger. He sports a beard around his mouth and has a curved scar right next to his left eye.

He wouldn't talk about that scar, but whenever somebody happens to ask him about it, he would avoid the question by saying that he most definitely didn't cut himself like my brother Luffy did to get one, laughing aloud. Any further questioning would result in him suddenly falling asleep and not remembering the question after waking up a couple of seconds later. If you repeat the question, the same will repeat itself over and over again. (I know because my brothers and I have tried out already.)

It's by far not the only occasion Grandpa falls asleep. He does it very often and very abruptly to the point that somebody might question his status as 'Hero of the Marines'. I don't exactly know why he is one, though. My sister Nami says it's because he did great things. My brother Usopp explained it's because of the white cape that goes with his uniform. According to Usopp, only heroes wear capes. That makes sense to me and Usopp always tells the truth. So this must be the real reason.

Nevertheless, grandpa seems to be quite a rough hero. Whenever he visits us, he will force us into brutal training sessions. Sometimes he will even make daddy 'train', just to be sure that mommy didn't marry a weakling. When we once questioned his methods, we got to know his so-called 'Fist of Love'. So Grandpa can be scary, but most of the time he's just a somewhat boisterous old man and it's nice drinking tea and eating crackers with him. But never ever try to steal his crackers, not to mention his doughnuts. I don't think he will take it very kindly.

Then, of course, there's mommy Robin and daddy Franky. Mommy is grandpa Garp's daughter. She is nothing like him. Hair color seems to be the only thing they have in common. Mommy doesn't talk much, and unlike hot-tempered grandpa she is always calm and collected, no matter what happens. She stays calm when everybody is going mad. She doesn't mind if my brothers and me go wild around the house. It's never her to make us stop. Instead she will watch us, smiling. It's not like she doesn't care what we are doing, but rather that she enjoys us enjoying ourselves. Or so, my brother Zoro said. I think I understand. I think it just means that mommy really is the best. My other brother Sanji also says she is the most beautiful mom on earth with her shoulder-length black hair and tall and slender built. (I think he'd do a much better job at describing mommy than me.) I can't disagree with him since she's my mom, too.

Mommy is also very clever and knows a lot of stuff. Like me, she loves reading. In her free time she is always seen reading a book. Most of the time, it's a book about history, because mommy is an archeologist and historian. She works at the local Ohara Institute. I believe she is very successful at what she is doing. But mommy, like grandpa, can be scary, too, just in a completely different way. She has a thing for creepy stuff. One time she almost let my brother Luffy bring home that frightening three-headed guard dog that belonged to one of the town's families. She actually thought it wasccute. She changed her opinion, however, when it ate the remains of the ancient map she was currently working on. I don't think I saw that dog ever again. Or any part of it, for that matter.

If mommy is the greatest mom on earth, then daddy is just as great as mommy. Though, he doesn't know as much things as mommy. (But since there is mommy, he doesn't really need to.) Nor is he much like her. While mommy is very discreet and subtle, daddy is probably one of the most eccentric persons at home. He is a tall and powerfully built man and has blue hair which is always upright styled. He sports star-shaped blue tattoos on his large forearms. Daddy also has unusual dressing habits. Not only that he wears sunglasses most of the time, but he also prefers a Speedo to actual pants which tends to freak out the whole neighborhood and causes people to call him a pervert. To the point where he will actually think that you're talking to him if you mention the word.

He doesn't mind being called a 'pervert', though. Daddy doesn't care about what other people may think; he only does what he likes to do. This and the fact that he cares about his people are maybe reasons why he is so respected amongst his co-workers. They are exceptionally close for just being co-workers. They all refer to daddy as their 'big brother'. My sister Nami explained to me that they were former street thugs and daddy took them under his wing and gave them jobs in his Franky Family, a ship dismantler company. I believe daddy must be a good man.

He may be a ship dismantler, but he is also very skilled at constructing things. He built our house with his bare hands! Daddy is a real man. However, he is very emotional and therefore easily moved. He is one of the first to cry when something touching happens. Nevertheless he always denies the fact that he is actually crying. No one believes him, of course. Sometimes he even pulls out a guitar to play a song and sing to express his feelings. So he can be quite sensitive, too. In the summer, we are more often than not woken up by him serenading mommy on his guitar in the middle of the night. Daddy also spends a lot of his free time tinkering or drawing blueprints in his workshop at home or working somewhere around the house. Often it results in an awesome invention and him posing comically and bursting out 'SUPER!' That's his catchphrase. He uses it whenever possible. It's really funny.

Daddy is not scary at all, unlike his own dad. Because, you see, Grandpa Brook is a very tall walking talking skeleton. As if this wasn't enough, he sports a black Afro, wears a top hat and carries a walking cane with him. He can store things in his Afro or even inside his head by flipping his skull open. When I was younger, he used to scare the living hell out of me. Not on purpose, though. Sometimes he even forgets that he's a skeleton himself and is afraid of unnatural things like ghosts and zombies.

In reality, he is a very likeable and good-natured person and enjoys the company of us siblings very much. Despite him being all bones now, Grandpa will always join in our games. He's so much fun! He loves to crack so-called 'skull jokes' which includes him using a figure of speech with a part of a body and after that realizing that he doesn't have said part of a body anymore in the first place. Then he will burst out in his trademark laughter. It sounds like 'Yohohoho'.

Grandpa is also very gifted in music. He knows to play a lot of instruments and loves to sing. He used to be a part-time musician. Though he is retired now, he still plays on commission. Sometimes he abuses his talent and plays his self-composed annoying song 'Black Handkerchief of Happiness' to make us get up early on weekends. Anyhow, you have to meet him in person. You should be warned, though. Although he speaks and dresses like a gentleman, he is nothing like it. Grandpa has the worst table manners in the family and he burps and farts randomly while eating. Like daddy he is also some kind of a pervert, even though a worse one because he will even – albeit politely – ask women to show him their panties. It's a wonder that in his long life nobody has reported him to the police for sexual harassment yet. Maybe people can't really hold it against him since he actually means no harm. He's just a somewhat eccentric, but nonetheless lovable old man.

I have five older siblings; four brothers and a sister. Zoro is the eldest one. He is easily recognized by his short-cropped green hair. He claims it's natural and mommy confirms it has been green ever since his birth. It's still a mystery from whom he has inherited it, though. My brother Sanji is the only one to mock his hair color, nobody else dares to because Zoro can be very intimidating. He has a serious and stern personality. He hardly ever shows emotions and like mommy he doesn't laugh a lot. However, on those rare occasions he does, it's an honest and hearty laugh. I like his laugh very much. First because it's so rare to hear him laugh at all and second because it sounds like… it just sounds like he's genuinely happy. Howsoever rare his laugh maybe, he does smile sometimes, though; even if it resembles more a grin or a smirk than an actual smile.

But usually he wears a permanent scowl on his face. My sister Nami says he's an old grump. And he's especially grumpy when you disturb his nap. This is likely to happen if you're not careful because he will sleep anywhere around the house. Sleeping is one of his favorite activities and he can do it anywhere and anytime. Therefore Nami calls him a lazy bum, too. It's true, though. Zoro doesn't do much else apart from sleeping. But whenever he is not sleeping, he will work out excessively, using ridiculously heavy weights or swimming in freezing water. Due to his vigorous training he's very muscular and as strong as an ox. He is really tough! My brother Usopp told me Zoro could even lift an entire building! Even injuries can't stop him from working out and he's so stubborn you can't talk him out of it. Like daddy he just does what he wants to do and he does it his way. He often ignores directions given which will often result in him getting lost and wandering aimlessly around town because of his horrible sense of direction. And even if he chooses to follow them, he still manages to get lost! So I guess it doesn't really matter… Although Zoro is stoic usually, he can be hotheaded at the same time and lose his temper fast. It doesn't take much to have Zoro and Sanji end up fighting over something and calling each other names. Same goes for Zoro and Nami. I don't understand what he does wrong but squabbles somehow always seem to center around him.

Well, at least Sanji knows. Sanji is the second eldest. He is the only one with blond hair in the family. It's medium-length and always brushed over his left eye. However, he can't hide his oddly curled eyebrows completely, since he has to keep one eye free. They're spiral-shaped and look like dartboards. But don't say that aloud, otherwise he will kick you in the head. Zoro does it anyway, though. There are actually a lot of things you can get your butt kicked for by Sanji who can also get scary. They all relate to one big rule. Never mistreat a lady which means never be impolite to her, never harm or insult her. Moreover, Sanji's definition of 'lady' is very broad. It doesn't matter how old or how beautiful she is; as long she is female he will protect her and her rights. (I would think it quite noble if it wasn't for all those futile slips he kicked us for.)

Where he does care a lot about age and looks is when he's flirting. And he's constantly flirting. He's so obsessed with women to the point where his mood is actually affected by the sole presence of a woman. Sanji just loves the women. (I'm not so sure if they love him back, though.) And, of course, he loves mommy and Nami very much. He likes to make sure that we do what they say and tolerates no dissent. He always takes strange delight in doing their biddings. Zoro calls him momma's boy for that. It would send him flying if he wasn't as strong as he is. But I guess Zoro's right… Since I can remember, Sanji really adores mommy. When he was still a kid, he decided to learn how to cook so he could take the load of cooking for nine people off her. Now he's a first class cook and responsible for the food. And with a lot of heavy eaters in the family that's a hell of a job. Sometimes I don't think we appreciate it enough. But I have never heard him complaining. I believe he simply likes to care for our well-being.

Nami is the third eldest and the only girl. Though in our family males may be superior in number, there's no way Nami would be kept under by us. (It's rather the other way round.) Firstly, because Sanji would raise hell over it and secondly… No matter how scary some family members are or can be, Nami is still the scariest of all. She is very bossy and tends to order us around, because mommy rarely tells us what to do and mostly lets us do what we want. Therefore Nami has practically taken over. She loves to take advantage of other people, except mommy nobody gets around it and even if Zoro tries to, she still manages somehow to trick him into it.

She can also be quite a spoilsport being often the first one to stop us from having fun by hitting us very hard in the head when she gets annoyed. And it doesn't take very long for her to get annoyed. And it doesn't matter who makes a racket to cause her patience to snap. Nobody save from mommy is spared from her fist. Not even grandpa and daddy. Especially not grandpa, since he asks for her and mommy's panties, too. I guess many other guys would like to see more of her, too, as they seem to be completely wild about her appearance, short, bright orange hair and slim build.

But Nami loves money, not guys and she'd do anything for it. Sometimes she seems so greedy I almost think that she would even sell me, her little brother, if it would make her rich. Clothes and jewelry are the only things she likes to spend money on; and that's a lot. She's got more stuff than all my brothers and me together! She loves shopping and will often go with mommy. If it's not a "girl's day out", they will take me with them at times – to carry the bags. But it's always worth the promised cotton candy and the time I spent with them together.

The fourth eldest child of the family is Usopp. You can easily recognize him by his black curly hair and his conspicuously long nose. He is one of the funniest persons in the whole family! Hanging around with him and my brother Luffy is the best. He always has the most creative ideas to make an adventure even out of the most boring day. Most of the time it involves him telling a story, since he mysteriously gets ill very fast when we want to do something for a dare.

But I don't mind, because he is the greatest storyteller I have ever heard in my life! The stories are always full of heroic deeds, heinous villains and dangerous monsters. He will often tell us about the adventures he went on when he was merely four years old. Of course, Luffy and I were so small at that time that we can't remember him running off into the wide, wide world in order to safeguard the constant supply of diapers which had been threatened by a legion of crap creatures who wanted the diapers for themselves so they could establish a monopoly and blackmail young parents into doing their bidding in exchange for diapers. Yeah, without my brother Usopp the world would be a very dire place.

Very much like Daddy, Usopp is also very talented when it comes to constructing things. Just tell him what you need and he will soon come up with a smart little gadget that will make life much easier! You should see his Wake-Up-Grandpa-Device! However, Usopp seems to be the only one amongst us siblings who has inherited his talent, so Daddy is naturally very proud of him. Together they even built a tree house! It has become our favorite hiding place at home.

Luffy is my fifth sibling. Together with Usopp, he is one of the few who has inherited the black hair of the Monkey D. Family, though his hair is straight and unruly. All in all, Luffy looks pretty ordinary were it not for his trademarks: a scar beneath his left eye and his dear strawhat that he wears day in, day out. He got it from his idol, Shanks. It was also because of him that he got the scar. Don't get me wrong! Uncle Shanks is a good guy! It was Luffy who cut himself to prove his fearlessness to Shanks.

Speaking of which… He really isn't afraid of anything, and together with his cluelessness, this makes him the biggest troublemakers of us all! I mentioned that three-headed dog before, right? That was just one of his harmless feats. He's done far crazier things which also make him one of the funniest of my brothers to hang around! I think this is also because of his cheerful nature. Luffy is always happy. There's a lot of yelling from Zoro, Sanji and Nami, but never Luffy. Luffy, Usopp and I are a great team!


End file.
